Dating in college: ‘It can be easy to throw around the phrase healthy relationship’

Dear Roe,
There is more conversation these days about sex and consent for people in their late teens and early twenties, but there is also a lot of confusion over what we’re actually supposed to look for when it comes to dating and romance. What would you tell your college-age self about dating?
It can be easy to throw around the phrase “healthy relationship”, and harder to know what it is – especially if you haven’t had a romantic relationship before. When thinking of a romantic relationship, think of the “we”, not an I or a you. Relationships are made by two or more people interacting, and everyone in the relationship has an equal part to play in building and maintaining it. Mutuality, shared participation and responsibility are the foundations of a healthy relationship, so if you’re pouring everything into a person who’s giving you little to nothing back; or if one person doesn’t take responsibility for how their actions impact the other, that’s not a healthy relationship. Other vital components of a healthy relationship are treating each other as equals; making sure everyone in the relationship feels physically, emotionally and sexually safe; having clear and respectful communication; establishing and maintaining trust; respecting each other’s boundaries; moving at a safe and comfortable pace for everyone; making decisions about the relationship together and honouring agreements; having realistic expectations of the relationship and each other; navigating conflict respectfully; and having space to be your own person and to nourish outside relationships with friends and family. Spend time reading about these things, discussing them with people you’re dating or are in a relationship with, and actively work on developing healthy relationship practices. That might involve looking up some healthy ways to address conflict after a fight so that the next time you argue, everyone will feel more safe and respected.
Also, educate yourself about the signs of an unhealthy relationship, which can include people criticising you or putting you down; controlling how you dress, act, or who you spend time with; not respecting boundaries or privacy; making you feel unsafe; and/or constantly monitoring you and accusing you of cheating. Remember that the phrase “a relationship takes work” doesn’t mean that a relationship should always feel difficult, draining or upsetting. It should feel like the work you would put into a piece of art you’re creating – it takes energy and effort, but also feels rewarding and inspiring and like you’re growing in an exciting way. TooIntoYou.ie is a great resource that goes into detail about how to spot the signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
A lot of our social and cultural scripts around sex and romance can be very limited, assuming that everyone enjoys the same types of sex, interactions and relationships. This simply isn’t true. Become interested in what actually feels good to you, and protect and invest in that. That may look like knowing that you’re not ready to date or have sex for a while, even if some of your friends are. It may mean realising that you don’t enjoy something that a partner enjoys, and protecting your boundaries, knowing that a good partner will respect them. If you’re asked to send a sext or photograph, for example, will you actually enjoy doing so and feel safe trusting the other person, or is it solely benefiting them? If you are being physically intimate with someone, talk about what would make both of you feel good – not just during any sexual activity, but before and after. Would you like to be held, talked to, called the next day? Be clear about what would make you feel good, ask for it, and avoid people who don’t care about making you feel good, physically or emotionally.
Romantically, also be aware of your own pleasure. If inconsistency or a lack of clarity around your relationship doesn’t make you feel good, communicate to try find a resolution or end the dynamic. Understand the difference between finding someone attractive and actually enjoying how they treat you and how they make you feel. When you focus on your pleasure, you’re more likely to have interactions that are healthy and enjoyable, and less likely to romanticise people who are emotionally unavailable or who disrespect boundaries.
You will never make anyone’s life better – including your own – by agreeing to not be yourself. Good people will not want or be happy seeing you pretending to be something you’re not. Remember that you can find someone attractive and they cannot be a good match for you – and anyone who needs you to change or hide who you are isn’t a good match.
We can often confuse niceness and kindness. Being nice means being polite, pleasant and agreeable in social situations, and has a lot to do with wanting to be liked, approved of, or adhering to social conventions. Kindness, on the other hand, is driven by genuine care, empathy and a desire to create a positive outcome for someone else, not just yourself. When dating or looking for a romantic partner, see how they treat people with less power than them. See if they treat people well even when there’s nothing to gain. And pay attention if they are kind to you. Do they treat you with respect, emotional availability and tenderness? If they do not, it’s time to work out why you don’t feel that you’re worthy of positive attention and care.
Cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself is about getting to know yourself, and being mindful of the time you spend alone and/or single. How you spend time with yourself matters. How you feel by yourself matters. How you show up for yourself even when you’re not dating or trying to impress anyone else matters. Cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself is about learning about yourself; becoming the best and most authentic version of yourself; and most importantly, learning to trust your ability to act in your best interest. You might commit to getting to know yourself better by journalling; reflecting on what you value, what brings you joy, and what boundaries you need to set; focusing on your self-talk; or going to therapy. You might try new activities, going somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, or consciously spending your spare time doing things that awaken your imagination, inspiration or excitement. Cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself is going to strengthen your self-esteem, it’s going to make being single feel ripe with possibilities, and it’s going to enrich your romantic relationships. Sometimes we can get so excited about a new crush or pattern that we ignore our own feelings or compromise on values that are really important to us. But if you work on feeling connected with yourself, you’ll be able to choose and build relationships that enrich your life.
Even if you hear a lot about it, keep listening and learning. Remember that consent must be enthusiastic, informed, freely given, and ongoing. Anything less is unacceptable and dangerous. If your boundaries are ever crossed or you are hurt in any way, know that support is available. The Dublin Rape Crisis Centre has a free and confidential listening and support service, and its national 24-hour helpline is 1800-778888.
So the people who will love and value you can find you.